Motherhood Wounds
Have you ever had any dreams you just can’t forget about? The ones that are burned in your brain, sometimes they appear as nightmares? I want to tell you about a few of mine and if you feel called, I invite you to open up your mind to the realization that those dreams may very well be guidance from our divine creator. Today I’ll tell you about my very first one. Hear me out.
I was about 6 and a half years old. My little sister was born about 6 months ago and I had a nightmare that I will never forget. We lived in a mobile home park in Taft, Ca and in my dream we were in that house. The entire house was filled with water and there was a tiny covered space. I swam around, grabbed my baby sister and got under that little covered area. It was like a table and it was open space so I couldn’t understand why there was no water there it was just… protected. There was an ocean filled with fish and sharks all around us, and as I sat there holding my sister and covered with supernatural protection, I watched my mom get eaten alive by a shark. I remember wanting to save her but I had my sister in my hands and in my dream I just cried silently as I watched my mom die. When I woke up I was so scared that each night before bed after that for a very long time I prayed to God and asked him for dreams. I cried before bed and begged God to give me happy dreams, dreams of a good life. I didn’t realize at the time, though, that God was giving me that dream. It wasn’t a nightmare, it was an explanation of a season I would live in.
God speaks to you in many ways; parables usually. Fast forward to me at 30 years old. I started getting prophetic dreams and we will get into those later but when I realized my dreams carried meaning I looked back at this one. I realized I had this gift since I was a little girl and because no one around me knew how to teach me to understand them, I learned much later. God gave me the understanding when I asked for it. Let me preface this by saying that I love my mom. We have never had much of a spiritual connection but I know that God chose her for me because I needed her to be exactly who she is so that I could grow into exactly who I am. She has absolutely not had it easy and her journey was a lot different than mine. She got pregnant at 16 and has worked her whole life building a business and creating stability for herself. She put her career first and has seen great success. I have gained a lot of wisdom about work ethic and networking from watching her. I used to blame her for a lot of my hurt. We would argue and bicker and we have had some pretty traumatic experiences together. It had to be that way though, for character development. I needed her to be exactly who she was and she needed me to become exactly who I am becoming.
You see, God showed me that dream and then twenty- four years later showed me the meaning. My mom wasn’t very emotionally available during my childhood or that of my sisters. She was very focused on material gain and outside relationships. She chased money and stability outside of herself. That was her journey. God showed me that I was protected, and so was my sister. He showed me that we would watch my mom get consumed by the world and although that wasn’t the end of her story, for a significant time in my life she really wasn’t there because she was completely consumed in her career life. Me realizing this was what helped me to heal my motherhood wound. How could I be angry at my mom and carry resentment toward her for not being emotionally present, when God showed me that this was all a part of His plan?
You can sit here and be angry with your parents for not being what you expected them to be, but have you ever thought to shift your perspective and see that they are exactly who you needed them to be? You may not have understood why your relationship wasn’t some picture perfect picket fence family life but have you considered that the picture the world has painted is exactly that? OF THIS WORLD? To truly be a divine being you have to understand that what is inside of you is not of this world. That the things of this world can distract you from divine purpose. You start to love people differently when you realize that there is much more to them than what you can see. My mom loved us, she just had to go through her own journey as well. She isn’t just my mom, she’s a child of God and just like He had a specific road planned out for me, He had one planned for her, too. Releasing your expectations and finding peace in the fact that everything truly happens for a reason, really has changed my life. When I had this revelation, I no longer felt hate or hurt for my upbringing. It felt like God was saying to me, “I know it hurt, I know it was hard, but I had never forgotten you. I was always there.” He’s here now and He was there then. Do your shadow work. You were never alone.
Until we meet again,
Xoxo, Ari
